I volunteered for both the morning and afternoon sessions of field day at my school. Kindergarten - second grade in the morning and 3rd - 5th in the afternoon. Yep, I'm a sucker and can't say no to those sweet faced boys when they beg me to be there.
You likely know the drill. The kids get partnered up and then spend the next 2.5 hours scrambling from one activity station to the next, complete the event and move on. My morning activity was "noodle fencing" where you assume a fencing pose (enguard!) with one hand behind your back and one hand holding the 5 foot swimming noodle. The object is to see how many times you can touch your opponents knees in 30 seconds. My job, as the responsible parent, was to keep the thing from turning into a full on noodle brawl. (50% successful. They may or may not invite me back. I only whacked the kids who deserved it!)
In any group of people there are outliers, oddballs, the people/kids who just can't be categorized. Elementary school is an incubator of weird behaviors. On Friday one kid would only sing the words he wanted to communicate. One kid, in thick coke bottle glasses, so happy at his high score at my afternoon game, stopped playing all the other games and loitered next to me for two hours to make everyone knew he had the high score and no one else could top it. One girl, after being gently touched on the knee, decided to lie down, spread eagle in the fencing arena until the game was over.
I was completely amused at all of those behaviors. Each one of those kids has a burgeoning personality filled with uniqueness and they are trying to figure out how to grow into full sized, charismatic and interesting adults.
Unfortunately many of those uniquenesses are not appreciated by their 8 year old peers. That is the heartbreaking part. I saw situation after situation unfold in front of me where two would gang up on one. Time and again a group of three would come to my game and the two BFF's would play first and instead of waiting for the third to have a turn, would sneak away in a deliberate ditch. I observed numerous matter of fact interactions where one person would lay down the law to the person with "lesser" social standing. (insert nasal/whiny tone) "No Jenny, I am the one who makes the choices about which games we go to. You KNOW that." Usually the "lesser" person would cast down their eyes in a practiced manner and go along with the decree.
When does this happen? When do kids adopt the "Lord of the flies" mentality? Why do we decide that the kids who can dominate on the football field and hit a baseball are better than the rest of us? How does the bossy, prissy girl with the sparkly shoe laces get to decide who's "in" and who's "out" and change her mind every other day breaking the hearts of enumerable girls on playgrounds across the land?
I know some of it is natural social dynamics and they are working through human nature but it is heartbreaking to watch. I love those unique kids. I love the unexpected things they say and their back door thought processes.
It makes me sad that uniqueness makes those kids targets in our society. Standing out and being unusual makes those kids vulnerable to the kids who desperately want to blend in and make everyone look the same.
I know the pendulum swings back and forth throughout our lives but these elementary years shape who we become. I want to grab up each of those amazing and quirky kids and remind them that it is their quirks that will make them successful in the future. Hold on, your risk taking fashion sense will help you become an innovative leader. Hold on, your charismatic desire to speak with a spot on British accent is going to make you a great public speaker. Your ability to stand apart from the crowd will be valued in the future as you are selected out of a pool of 1000 for the job you want. I know it doesn't seem valued now but HOLD ON.
I want to tell the amoeba of homogeneous children to be brave and step away from the pack. Risk staying true to themselves. Risk figuring out who you are. Risk befriending the quirky kid. At least stop abusing him.
He just might become the best friend you ever have.
I have watched these things unfold at church from time to time as well. My least favorite thing uttered in Sunday school is "I'm not your friend anymore." Then I realized that we are no different as adults. We are dismissive and downright rude to those with different opinions and beliefs than us. The sad part is that we often act just like the kids you describe and drop our eyes and obey. Those of us who refuse this behavior are labeled as odd, liberal, feminist (if you happen to have an inny instead of an outie), or WRONG in a variety of ways.
ReplyDeleteI think some kids learn this behavior and others mimic this behavior in watching us engage with the world. It is uncool, unkind, and unacceptable!
Quirky me loves quirky you,
Leah :)
"Elementary school is an incubator of weird behaviors." so incredibly apt. it had me smiling.
ReplyDeletei have observed much the same and it is soul-wrenching.
Natalya has her quirks, certainly her weirdness, and fostering a strong mind about it can be frustrating ("are you sure you want to wear that particular combination." "Yes." she replies, chin lofted.) but often enough it is painful and i think homogenization is a good survival tactic.
But it is as you say, having the long-term view (and gagging at the idea of conformity) so we have carefully nurture her ego with some humor and an iron will; which has it's own issues, of course, like how we now have to worry about schoolyard brawls. Natalya made a nemesis this year out of a pair of BFFs who have gotten everyone else trained in how everything works. N as the new girl (only new student to the grade in at least 3 years) and not caring for some of the rules made a bit of a ruckus. Bless her, some of the kids clung to N for shelter, having been weathering out earlier bad choices and hoping Middle School will give them a new start. But a few friends didn't want to make waves and started backing away from Natalya.
It all seems so exhausting for all this to have begun so early.
I have friends who cite these dynamics as a primary reason to home-school. to each their own, but I hope to have some good coping techniques (for the both of us) figured out in the incubator that is elementary school and the shark tank that is middle school before hitting that vast unknown that is high school and beyond.
Last year, Sean's mom (who teaches 6th at a middle school in Colo Springs) had to deal with a student committing suicide fairly early into the year. This was not the first experience but needless to say, every experience is devastating. while we figure out how to intervene in what is going on, I think you have the right instinct, to love them and tell them to Hold On!
~L
Leah, sadly I think you are right in that this behavior does not end with childhood. It often magnifies into unspoken and widely accepted rules of engagement.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to me how some people seem hardwired to try gain comfort by joining a pack and homogenizing and some are wired to find comfort in being different and flying solo. I wonder what causes both of those strong preferences? I have some idea about what causes mine but I have no reference for the alternative.
Leslie, Your Nate is one of those fascinating success stories of uniqueness, who's unfolding personality I will enjoy observing for years to come. She has a steely confidence in her style and thoughts that is rare in one so young. It is understandable that others would view her as a strong sheltering tree.
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart to think of a 6th grader with so much pain that it would take their life. The idea of total hopelessness in the mind of an 11 year old is beyond my comprehension.
HOLD ON, indeed!
Imagine the power of the really tall, beautiful, loving and articulate mom coming to the classroom to volunteer (or to Field Day to monitor noodle fencing, hypothetically) and connecting to the oddball kid in the class by remembering their name first the next time you see the class together... or asking if you can copy the weirdest dresser's style the next time you show up... or just grabbing the kid that slips through the middle of the pack, usually unnoticed, and sending them a letter in the mail to say how much they remind you of yourself at their age... telling that kid "It Gets Better!" (which is an incredibly beautiful movement for youth right now--google it)... and HOLD ON.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to be reminded of this. Thanks Tanya!
Hmm, Chelan, if that wonderful sounding Mom ever shows up at school, I will make sure to remind her of her power! Can that person actually exist as you describe?
ReplyDeleteWhat you say is so true. I think often we have more power being non-relatives, to reach in and elevate and notice kids than their own parents do.
It is so easy to just let moments pass by and miss opportunities to make a huge difference with small actions. Thank you for pointing that out.
So so true...and amusing and painful. Good post.
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